


Is This Really What I Want?

by renotheknight



Category: Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 10:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6190915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renotheknight/pseuds/renotheknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calem is lead to believe that his relationship with Professor Sycamore is false, nothing than a lie. One night he decides to impulsively act out the lies he's been telling himself, even though he loves the Professor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is This Really What I Want?

I was angry, I was pretty much always angry. It was either small enough to hide or strong enough to cause a storm. I knew very well that I was with the Professor, but I didn't believe it a lot of the time. I love him more than I can admit to say, but my attitude was always a sour one. There would be nights I would sleep in his arms and questioned if he actually loved me, nights where I would push him away from me, and then completely leave him alone. I think the only reason that stopped me from breaking it off was because I didn't want to hurt him. Even though I love him, I was too flustered by my own insecurity. 

Then one evening I decided to leave. I wanted to get away from what my life was. I wanted to escape my reality even if it meant leaving poor Augustine. I kept looking at the unaware man in the room next to me, just silently reading as if nothing was going to happen. I felt my chest get heavy and a tear slid down cheek. What was I crying for? I had nothing to cry about. I huffed and let out the smallest amount of my frustration. It grew and I could hear myself getting louder; I slammed my hand over my mouth and squeezed my eyes shut. My breath came out heavily through my nose, a whine escaped with it. I heard the chair move in the room next door and I turned my face away from the door. I didn't want to look at him and regret my decision, I didn't want him to change how I felt. 

“Calem, are you ok-” Augustine asked as his footsteps gained on me. I knew he was looking at my things in the room, spread across and put into bags. “What's going on?” he questioned as his voice dropped. I couldn't answer him, I didn't even know what was going on. 

“I, I want out…” my voice sighed. I couldn't sound confident. Was this really what I wanted? No, of course not. 

“What do you mean by that Calem?” I could tell he was feeling desperate. 

“I- I don't kn-... want to be here anymore…” What the fuck Calem? You almost said it and there you are blubbering about how you just want to call it off. I could never get my thoughts across, it's like my words and thoughts don't want to cooperate. I love him and, and here I am being an idiot. 

“What am I doing wrong?” Augustine pleaded. I couldn't keep holding my breathe. 

“Nothing.” 

“I'm doing something wrong, I know it.”

“Augustine, it's not you.” My voice was getting weaker, it started to shake it with my body. Footsteps got closer to me, I bit my lip. 

“Calem.” A hand reached out to my back and I turned around, throwing myself forward. Augustine stumbled back and I got up and ran blindly at him. After the stunt, I paced off into his office. 

Why the hell did I come into his office? Why did I decide that this was a good idea? Why didn't I tell him I don't know what's wrong? Why did I tell him I want to be done? I couldn't admit to him that I was too proud to admit my own problems. I wanted nothing more than to be with him but I was stopping myself, I didn't want to let myself see my happiness. 

Even so, I knew he understood me. I remember reading the note he left himself, he wanted nothing more than to be great. A knock at the door broke my silence. I felt my feelings grow again and I didn't want to answer. I turned to the windows in back of his desk and opened up the curtains. Peering down at the lit up town, the door opened and against the mirror was an image of the Professor. His hair looked disoriented as he tried to brush it to its usual position. I ignored him and continued to look at the town continuing down below. 

“Calem…” his voice rang and I found myself rushing at him. I wanted him to stay and yet leave, to love and hold me but forget about me. I crashed into the tall man and started hitting his chest, my fists landing on his shoulders. Augustine stayed utterly still, I was getting nowhere. I slid my hands down his chest and huffed out. I stepped back and looked at the window. I opened one of the three panels outward and slumped down onto the floor. 

The wind blew against me softly and warmly, it was another beautiful summer evening. The purple and pink of the sky was fading downward with the blue pushing it. The street light glowed brightly, it was always so beautiful at night in Lumiose City. I just let my feet dangle out the window, just stay there, like my thoughts. Behind me, Professor Sycamore sat, his left leg bent to the side and right one bent upwards, his arm and head resting on that leg. He just looked out like I did, maybe to understand what I was seeing. His eyes drifted off to his rested leg, just looking at his limp hand. 

“Are you sure you want to end what we have?” he asked softly, almost as if he was defeated. 

“No, I don't want to stop this,” I told him. His eyes blinked wildly. My long hair was blown from my face, luckily my hat wasn't on. I don't think he knew how to respond, my constant switching made it hard for him to know. 

“Well, why did you say you want to, and you looked like you were about ready to.” 

“Because…” I let my face go soft, “I didn't know what else to do. I mean I looked at you and I couldn't do it, but I thought maybe leaving would sort things out.”

“Sort what out?” he asked, his voice turned to caring and annoyed. “Calem, you can always confide in me and I don't get why you always have to hide behind your feelings.” I just looked out dazed to the ground. I saw a couple walk by holding hands, their bodies close to each other. I moved my body to the end of the frame allowing space for Augustine to sit next to me. He caught onto my intentions and moved over me. Augustine positioned him the same but had his left leg out the window. 

“I, uh, don't really know what to do with myself, honestly. I know you love me but sometimes I don't believe it, to fall for something like me? It seems so unlikely. I mean my dad is gone, for all I know he's dead and I could care less about him. And I'm here just afraid to do anything cause I'm afraid to be left again.” I didn't want to look at his face, I didn't want to see what he was looking at. “I just am afraid to make relationships for the fear of abandonment and that it would be for nothing.” 

“I was like you at your age, always wondering what I would do with my loneliness. Believe it or not, I hate being left behind too, everybody does. But the whole reason I trusted people was my pokémon, they taught me that you can trust. The whole reason I came a Professor was to teach kids that even when you have no one, you have your pokémon.” the man said. I rested on the thought. “I mean, you have proven to me you can bond just by your pokémon.” I looked at him, his eyes piercing into mine. I realized that I needed him, I definitely needed him in my life.   
“Where would I be without you Augustine? You seem to be the only that can handle me…” I sighed. The silence just filled the room with the sound of idle conversations and taxis driving by. That's when I asked him.

“Augustine, will you leave me? If you are then, well, I just-” 

He pulled me into his side, his left leg now up and his right out the window. He held my arm tight and kept me there for just a moment. 

“Oh no. I'm gonna be there always, after the pain has gone away, the feelings are so strong,” he told me. I didn't know what to feel but my heart pounded in my chest. I let out my breath and quickly turned, planting a kiss on his lips. His lips were soft against mine, he was relaxed unlike me. I pulled away slowly and looked away from him, my face blushing from ear to ear. 

“I'll never make you cry again, I'm gonna set things right again, and I won't let 'em go wrong. I promise.” My lips were barely able to form the words. A sly smile snuck across Augustine’s face, his eyes dazzly locked on me. 

He grabbed my hand and lifted himself up, then pulled me up. 

“Let's go out for just a little while, I think a walk would be nice right about now,” his voice was back to his slightly condescending tone. He always used this when we were romantic, it's something I grew used to.

“What about th-” 

“We'll worry about that when we get back.” He looked me in the eyes with his perfect blueish grey eyes and flawless grin. I held onto his hand tighter and walked out of his office to, for the first time, truly experience our love.


End file.
